The Dreaded Dread

Note: In this image, I'm dreading nothing!

Dread-1. to fear greatly; to be in extreme apprehension of 2. to be reluctant to do, meet, or experience. Archaic definition: to regard with awe.

Have you ever woken up and enjoyed a few moments of complete peace and contentment before you remember that dentist's appointment? Until the dread sets in and you reluctantly drag yourself out of bed? Imagine having that feeling the majority of your days. Except it's not a painful root canal or big presentation thats sets your anxiety into motion. It may be a trip to the grocery store, a PTA meeting at school, or even going to your favorite restaurant. Dread has been a daily companion since living in Brazil and quite frankly, it's downright exhausting at times.

For example, today was the first day of my much awaited Zumba class. It seemed like this day would never come, but along with that excitement came the dark side of dread...dread of the drive through Sao Paulo traffic, finding the parking garage, walking in a strange neighborhood, and navigating a entirely new process at a new facility. Six months ago, I would have said forget it. It's not worth it. Today, I pulled my car out of the parking garage at 5 minutes to 10 so I could hit the pavement right as restricted driving lifted, breathed deeply through the bumper to bumper traffic, found the parking garage, hiked it to the gym where I was shown to the class, and danced my bombom off for the next hour. Next week the dread will be less and eventually it'll be gone completely.

If I get nothing else from this stint in South America, it's that fear is meant to be worked through, not walked away from. I've faced fear more these last 15 months than I may have in my entire lifetime. I discovered that for me, fear is rooted in the unknown and in situations where I have no control. So yes, I dreaded going across town today, but I also lessened it by checking out my destination on Google street view so I knew what the parking garage looked like and knowing exactly how to walk to the gym from there. I was as prepared as I had the power to be.

I think I've moved from "to fear greatly" to "to be reluctant to do, meet, or experience". I'm not at the point where I will run out the door with no GPS or drive around just to kill time, but I've come a long way from turning down invitations because a restaurant doesn't have a valet.

There are still occasional dreaded situations, like getting birthday party invites that I know we have to turn down because of this "restricted zone", or having to find a new store or restaurant, but overall the fear factor has gone way down and I've settled into a content routine. I can actually hit the snooze and fall back to sleep instead of being scared awake by the day's agenda.

There are days I long for a "driver" like many other expat wives have. Oh, how nice would it be to be picked up and dropped off at the door. Then I think how far I've come. I'm twice the woman I was a year ago. My confidence has grown, my trust in my instincts is bigger than ever, and there are days that don't feel complete without some big challenge.

I imagine a year from now, the dreaded dread will be gone almost completely and I may move on to "regard with awe" this city I call home. Maybe that is life's journey...from fear, to apprehension, to reluctance, to acceptance, to awe. You just need to face it head on.

Portuguese word of the post- Bombom: butt, as in shake your bombom. Love this word by the way. It's so much cuter than buttocks.